A
few days ago, I realized something. I am 95% certain that more people have read
this fledgling blog than have read, or ever will read, the dissertation I spent
over three years of my life writing. Now, I’m the type to see the humor in the
unfortunate, so this initially struck me as one of those amusing ironies of
life. At around 2AM that night, though, I remembered the stress that my
dissertation occasioned: the constantly broken out skin (which has cleared up
since I stopped teaching five classes at once), the days without any sort of
human contact, and the agonizing over each and every sentence. Ah, there’s that
downer feeling I should’ve had in the first place! But you’re probably here for
the outfit, so let’s get on with it, shall we? I’ll get back to the ‘oh my god
did I waste the bulk of my 20s?!?’ bit later (*spoiler alert:* the answer is
‘no.’)
My
sister would be so proud of me today – I’m wearing so much color, including a shirt that she got me for Christmas! I’m
a pretty big Zelda fan (Ocarina of Time
for the win!) and my favorite color of all time is green, so this shirt was a guaranteed
hit. Thanks, Ronnie! The skirt was an impulse purchase in a shop I’d never
heard of before stepping in: Varga, in the Fox Hills Mall in LA. A few months
ago, I only wore this skirt with black tops, but the pattern is so colorful
that it’s actually fairly easy to pick a bright top that matches. It’s 27
degrees out today, so I’m wearing pettipants underneath the skirt for a little
extra warmth. The added volume they give the skirt is a lovely bonus!
Shirt: Gift! (but the internet is seriously crawling with Zelda gear)
Cardigan: Le Bomb Shop
Skirt: Varga
Pettipants: Malco Modes
Earrings: Summer Blue Jewelry on Etsy (her shop is on vacation till 2/6)
Boots: Bogs Pearl, from Amazon
Aren't tomatoes a beautiful backdrop?
I’ve
just realized that this post is the exact opposite of how I liked to comment on
student papers. Whenever I could, I used to employ the ‘sandwich’ method: begin
by pointing out something positive about the paper, stick your critical points
in the middle, and finish with another positive point. In this post, though,
the heavy stuff serves as the bread, with cheery outfit stuff in the role of
the turkey and Swiss.
It’s
tempting to feel like you’ve wasted your time when you pour your heart and soul
into something and receive nothing but that cricket-chirp noise from the
universe in response. It’s also tempting to see that lack of response to your
project as a reflection of the project’s inherent worth, or your own worth.
That way of thinking is toxic and
paralyzing. It’s also wrong, conveniently enough.
I
don’t think that pursuing my PhD and writing my thesis was a waste of time. But
to genuinely believe that, I have to unlearn the narratives about value and
self-worth that I learned in graduate school (tl;dr: academic culture teaches
you that your publication record and status within your field are the main, if
not the sole, factors determining your personal worth), and replace them with
narratives that are truer to my personal principles. And for this, I go back to
my roots.
I
grew up hearing that “work is our greatest blessing,” that “virtue is its own
reward,” and that “if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your
life.” When I started writing my dissertation, I made a conscious decision to
do it on my terms. I chose to write on the topic I found most interesting, even
though it wasn’t especially fashionable, and to see the remainder of my time in
grad school as perhaps the only time I’d ever get to do exactly what I wanted, how I wanted, for a living. And I did. And that is a rare privilege in
today’s economy.
I’ve
seen Rocky twice. The first time was
the middle of my first year in grad school. Actual spoiler alert, if you’ve never seen Rocky. The movie totally perplexed me. Why on Earth was he so
happy at the end? He worked his butt off, and for what? To get trounced by
Apollo Creed? What kind of an ending is that?
The second time I saw it was the year after I finished grad school. And that
time, I got it. It’s possible to
triumph even when you lose. I triumphed because I pushed myself to my
intellectual limits, grew tremendously as a person, enjoyed my work and my time
immensely (much of the time!), learned to exercise a great deal of
self-discipline in pursuit of my larger goals, and perhaps most importantly,
organized my entire life around a purpose I had chosen mindfully. #worthit!
Ok, now let me extrapolate from my personal experiences to a generally-applicable principle. (Wow, talking about my life as an academic brings me right back to my ponderous-academic-prose days.) I suppose the point is actually pretty simple. If you choose goals that genuinely reflect you, rather than allowing societal expectations to shape those goals for you, it's a lot easier to feel like you've spent your time on this Earth well. Don't focus on external measures of 'success;' instead, think about whether your actions line up with the person you want to become, and rejoice in those moments when you find yourself living your life as your own work of art. /endcheesiness.
What does success mean to you? What have you done that you are most proud of?
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Instagram: @emily.hallock
Ha, I'm very proud indeed. >:D Em I'm loving the look and the life lessons, so keep 'em coming!
ReplyDeleteP.S. nice shirt
Thanks, Roon! I had you in mind when I put on all these colors! Maybe someday you'll be a guest blogger here, since your rainbow skills are aces.
DeleteI'm so glad that somebody special got me this shirt!! <3
Excellent post - always a good reminder <3
ReplyDelete